just kickin’ it

Last Friday I turned 40.  Forty.  WOW.  As I wrote the word to a few people in emails I really reflected on it. 

Errr..  Yah.  I don’t know exactly what to say about it.

I mean, it must be something.  I heard from more folks than I’d heard from before on my birthday.  I’m not big at all on celebrating it.  I’ve always viewed it as a time to soberly take account of where I’ve been and hope to go, actually a day of work.  Most years I made it a point to be doing something “busy”, “productive”.  I think this year was different.  My ex, a friend I haven’t spoken to in years, parents, relatives, all called.  My estranged brother sent me a card.  I went to see Gran Torino with my friend (which by the way was really good, if rather heartbreaking), got a gemstone, a massage and a 30 minute channeling session – both of them forthcoming.  This is the most action-packed born day I’ve had in a minute…

But the struggle with randomness continues.  I was feeling very stifled creatively on a music tip.  I’ve been spending so much time reading about Gaza and Oscar Grant, writing letters, essays, posts, that I was truly wondering where the music fit in all this.  My drum machine needs repairs.  I was trying to demo this PC based beatmaking software called Beatcraft but I downloaded a 7 day trial I never used!  I have no idea how to operate it or if it would really work for me.  I’m sensing that my gear is kind of old.  But when we looked at that movie Cadillac Records – the one about Chess, its storied history and the fascinating and talented artists on the roster – I seemed to get my music making mojo back.  I feel motivated again!  Yaay!  It’s important to keep going, to keep creating.  Now I have a stronger sense that my musical experimentation comes from a long and illustrious line of work from pioneers whose names are so widely known they scarcely need mention.  It was refershing to reflect on the way African American musical traditions become indelible parts of the cultural landscape over time.  After all: who performs mariachi?  Mexican people.  Who performs al-Maqam? Arabs.  Who performs kirtan? Indians.  Andes flute?  South Americans.  But who performs jazz?  Blues?  Rock and roll?  Funk?  Hip Hop?  EVERYBODY.  I respect all forms of music and genuinely enjoy most of them but it seems to me black music is consistently the most mimicked, the most appropriated.  I cannot say at all how my own music will be received by the wider public once it’s truly out there (we’ll definitely find out this year though).  But it was a balm in Gilead to see the history of black music unfold and to realize that ultimately, everyone loves it, wants to be a part of it in some way.

So: huh.  Well, I sent out my essay about renaming the new age to different websites and got three positive responses in 12 hours.  It looks like the meme is beginning to move outward!  I’ll post the essay on here later, after I figure out exactly when each source needs to have what.   On the other hand, I just found out yesterday that my cousin is in jail in San Jose.  **sigh**  As I sit here listening to this poignantly melancholic music on the fabulous Hearts of Space radio program, reflecting on where everything is (or isn’t) at the moment, it seems very a propos.  My energy is not totally spent, but it’s not exactly roiling either.  It feels like – the dark time.  I looked at the big, full moon while walking to get supper and I was reminded that I’m at my leisure to relinquish personal responsibility for the heavy, sloggy, unsettled vibe of this moment.  Must be the winter solstice.  Moon in Cancer, with the strong emotional dimension and Saturn’s, get-down-to-the-work sternness and practicality about manifesting – uh huh.  It’s all there.

OK the program is called ‘joyous hyms of winter’.  Hmmm.  well, I agree with the hyms of winter part.  Regardless… it’s a great show.  And since there literally doesn’t feel like there’s anything else I can really do right now – I’m kickin’ it.  Just chillin’…